As the end credits roll, the makers of Chatur Singh Two Star unleash a string of outtakes. These guys obviously have no clue that the film that they have foisted upon us is no better than what they have left out of it. Indeed, Chatur Singh Two Star looks like a film that has been put together with sequences that would have been better left in the editor’s recycle bin. Not one scene in this load of cinematic rubbish comes remotely close to making any sense. Yes, asinine is the word to describe this unfunny mess.

Chatur Singh Two Star is a classic demonstration of how not to make an action comedy. The script is completely harebrained, the acting is outrageously bad, the dialogue utterly inane, and the ‘comic’ gags are, to say the least, so awfully brainless that they might raise some laughs for all the wrong reasons.

The eponymous hero, played by a thoroughly out of place Sanjay Dutt, is no Jacques Clouseau and Chatur Singh Two Star is no Pink Panther. Without a Govinda or an Arshad Warsi by his side, Dutt doesn’t pass muster as a comedian.He makes a complete hash of a role that should not have been written in the first place.

The character seems to have been conceived by somebody who has an old score to settle with the whole wide world. The film does not hide the identity of the perpetrator: a title card right at the outset lets on that the film is based on a “novel” titled Chalak Jasoos by M. Raza. How bright!

Screenwriter Rumi Jafri, who has a reputation to protect as a writer of comedies, obviously wants the blame for this piece of tortuous twaddle to be shared. The bumbling cop that Dutt portrays is a dreaded creature within the Mumbai police force for he has the knack of botching up whatever he touches. And he quickly becomes a pain for the audience too.

Facial contortions, outlandish get-ups and general imbecility in the name of comedy are the character’s stock in trade. To make matters worse, Chatur Singh also has a sidekick called Pappu (Suresh Menon). He only adds to the mayhem with more unbridled overacting.

The supporting cast of the film has actors who, in more able directorial hands, might have made an impression. But Chandhok reduces Anupam Kher, Satish Kaushik and Sanjay Mishra to buffoons. What did these actors see in the screenplay to agree to be treated so shabbily? Rather difficult to fathom.

A corrupt politician (Gulshan Grover) is bumped off by a sharpshooter while he is being treated to a raunchy number by a red chiffon-clad secretary (Amisha Patel). The latter is framed for the murder. The conspirators spirit her away to South Africa in search of a man who knows the whereabouts of a missing cache of diamonds. Inspector Clueless and his lackey are sent in pursuit. Time to run for cover!

Nothing sums up Chatur Singh Two Star better than the brain-numbing climactic sequence. All the characters end up in Cape Town, don the masks of sundry animals and chase a red pouch of diamonds. Chatur Singh becomes what he himself proudly claims is a cross between a lion and a donkey. This is a film that proffers madness without the slightest semblance of method. It’s just as well that there are two stars in its title. It doesn’t deserve any.